on the potential pivot
may 2026 edition
I believe that if I were an adult back in the 2010s, I would’ve been a travel blogger. Especially because it seems I write a lot of these newsletters in places other than home. Last month I was coming home from Dallas and New York City; now I’m in a Vancouver coffee shop drinking a lovely matcha.
But more on the travel later, we have a lot of ground to cover! (Much like me this month!) (See, I would kill the travel blogging game!)
AN AMBITIOUS AUTHOR ESSAY
I fear, my friends, I will have to press snooze on the alarm I set last month. It isn’t something I’m 100% sure I can divulge completely, but I’ve been having a ton of feelings that I’ve documented in my usual stream-of-consciousness way. They’re just too complicated to strip the context out of it. But prepare for the longest author essay in September. (Or maybe I’ll wait until I’m writing a memoir…)
But what I can talk about is ambition. That, despite what’s been going on behind the scenes, I’ve never been more sure that this is the life I’m meant to lead. I love writing with every inch of my being. It’s what I always want to be doing, thinking about, talking about.
I’ve been dedicated to writing for years at this point. I was an avid writer all throughout my early childhood and teens. Terrible vampire novels clearly combining Twilight and Harry Potter, to Warrior Cats roleplay, to creating a ton of AU fanfics, to now, where I am quite literally published. There has only been a brief blip—I thought I wanted to be a history teacher—when I didn’t prioritize writing in my career.
But what do I want my career to look like? That has certainly shifted dramatically.
I admit, I’m a stubborn fucker. A quality I get from my father, of course. And even when a pivot smacks me on the head, I’m resistant. I started my journey as purely a fantasy writer. I grew up on Eragon and warring cat books, how could I not be enthralled in bringing my own complicated fantasy worlds to life? Then, BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS happened. I realized how much I loved writing romance books. And to be fair, my fantasy books always had a romance element, but I never read contemporary romances! Now, I consume them as much as fantasy books. (Both to really grasp the genre and how it’s changing but also because I really enjoy them!)
I even second-guessed my pivot into a different sport when I started working on the F1 romances. I thought I could never do that because I wasn’t immersed in the sport enough. I always joke I’ve never driven an F1 car. But now I feel confident in Darcy and Jasper’s story, in the ways I’ve woven motorsport into the fabric of the book’s identity.
And now I’m considering another pivot. Not as full a turn as my dark, gritty fantasy to the sweet heat of BC, but definitely a different direction. (I’ll go into detail about that direction in more depth later.)
Another thing about me: I’m a Type-A planner. I mean, I’m ambitious, how could I not be? I have spreadsheets upon spreadsheets, an unwavering desire to go after what I want, and I want it all to go my way. (Controlling, ambitious, and stubborn? I really am my father.) (A compliment, really, my father is a great man.) (Contrary to what all my fiction seems to suggest.)
But life, and especially the publishing industry, is not like that. And the A in Type-A could also stand for anxious because it is rare that all the plans go the way they should. But I have a marrow-deep ambition to succeed regardless of it. Which means when my plans get thrown into the wind by things far outside of my own control, I fall into the spiral of overthinking. And I always delude myself into believing I can out-think the anxiety, the fear, the internal pressure. On and on the thoughts go until new plans are placed into action.
You might notice that there is no room to really rest or process? And you would be right! That’s on purpose!
And possibly unhealthy.
I do believe I’ve documented a lot of my unhealthy habits in these essays. The psychoanalysis you could do on me would likely be fascinating and accurate. And all of this waffle about ambition and overthinking is really just to bury the lede.
I’m terrified.
I know I’ll continue; I’ll do the work. I’ll write the next book; I’ll keep doing what I have to do in order to succeed. I will use all the tools to the best of my ability. I’ll adapt; I’ll move forward. I’ve already crossed so many hurdles.
But my mind still wonders…what if it isn’t enough?
What if I fail? What if it all crumbles? What if I can’t get there with my sheer ambition?
Or, the most horrifying, what if my ambition runs out? If I reach for it day after day, bit between my teeth, and then suddenly, I can’t get myself to move forward despite wanting to. I’ve had this feeling before in relation to my actual life, to my health, I’m clinically diagnosed with depression. But writing has always been the one thing I’m able to reach for. I’ve always known I’ll love it forever and it will always be my sanctuary.
But, the hard truth is, I’ve been digging up the goalposts and moving them painstaking inch by painstaking inch. That’s the reality of ambition: it’s always reaching. Always planning, always wanting, always hungry for more, more, more.
And to be clear, I know I have to practice extreme gratitude to fight the harsh critic in my mind that tries to lie to me and tell me that the work I have put in isn’t enough.
There is no real conclusion for me to draw here, only that I am both grateful and fearful of my ambition. That despite the answer came into my inbox, I didn’t feel a sense of hopelessness. If anything, I used my ambition like an iron spine. Leaned against it, created a real schedule to make everything more efficient, dove into a new experiment, tested the waters on a pivot.
And I did it all scared as hell, and perhaps as a coping mechanism against the unknown.
We’ll see how it all works out.
PROJECTS GALORE
Now that I’ve spilled my guts, let me show you into my spreadsheet; the spinal cord of my life, if you will. Holding my plans both when it comes to writing books and social media has been quite a feat, but I am doing my best.
This month I completed copy edits on TRIPLE THREAT! It was a slow and steady endeavor. I devoted about two weeks to it, doing about four chapters every day. I find copy edits to be quite soothing as a writer. I feel as though I have enough distance from my many terrible drafts and I’m able to see the work objectively. And I love where TRIPLE THREAT has landed. (My fear about the opinions has not been lessened, but I am proud of this story, no matter how difficult it was to sort through.)
My copy editor is truly fantastic. Not only did they catch all of my errant commas because I refuse to use one correctly, but they also noted that I have a penchant for using instead all the time. Even when it isn’t necessary. I didn’t even realize it was such a crutch word until it was laid out in front of me. I used it FOUR times in a SINGLE paragraph. It took all of my will power not to smash my forehead into the table when I saw that.
Copy edits serves as the final zhuzh of the manuscript. It’s done in a Word Doc and I’m able to delete at will. And any edit I want to keep, I don’t have to do anything with; just leave it as is. It is easier than pass pages for me, which is really just catching the very few little errors there might be in a PDF. (I’ve just received my pass pages and I’m remembering how much pressure I put on them, how hard Adobe is to manage.)
I think we’re getting quite close to having ARCs and galleys available, so definitely watch this space if you’re interested in TRIPLE THREAT, my poly tennis romance about a burnt-out eldest daughter, her ex-pro coach, and the soulmate they share.
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I finished the deep outline work for the F1 book! I’m finally happy with my massive, new, and shiny outline for the F1 book and so I sent it to my agent on the 11th. Then, we went back and forth in the comments really hammering it into a shape we were both happy with. One of the things I love about my agent’s feedback is their attention to detail when it comes to tension. After going through their comments, feedback, and thoughts, I then turned to my best friend and other half, Davaisha.
I swear, our brain waves are always melding in the best way. She graciously gave me several hours of her time, and we went through the entire outline with a fine-tooth comb, incorporating new ideas, new scenes, and integrating all of the character work I knew in my head onto the page. I’m so excited to dive into this new draft and I’m hoping to have it done by the beginning of July.
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So, that’s all the work I’ve done for the first half of May. I’ve spent much of the end of this month enjoying the wilds of Alaska and thinking long and hard about how I want to work in these next few months. While on the cruise, I made the executive decision to not dive straight into the F1 book’s revision. My reasonings vary, from thoughts mentioned in the essay about a potential pivot, to the fact that I knew the cruise would be very distracting with all the excursions and attractions, to the beautiful scenery.
And I decided to open my romantic suspenses. My “thrill”ogy, as I’ve been calling it (I’m sure I’ve heard this somewhere else, but alas(ka) I don’t remember!) was set somewhere in Wyoming or Montana, but the moment I saw the beautiful white-capped mountains, I knew I had to set the books in Alaska instead. The inspiration struck me so hard I couldn’t ignore it, the atmosphere and aesthetic are perfect for these psychological suspense romances. I wrote about 6,000 words of the beginning during our seven days, including one day where we spent several hours writing 500 words per location on the ship! That made it easy to really lock in for a short time and then get up and move around, so the words felt very manageable.
As for what this project is about, it’s a slow burn suspense in the truest sense. Creeping dread, family secrets, a vengeful stalker determined to drive the main character mad, and the gory darkness I’ve missed from my fantasy days. Of course, it has the Katie Chandler classics: a terrible father, complicated sibling dynamics, queer longing, and an overthinking main character who refuses to believe he can be anything more than the shadow he’s thrown himself into to protect himself.
It was fun to dip my toe into purely drafting again, especially without much of a plan or structure. I have left my complete pantser days behind me, shifting to a more hybrid approach to the process, but I let myself write out of order for the first time in years. Usually, in order to get an organic flow to the story, I make myself write through the tough spots. Even if it’s sparse and terrible, it helps me build the story’s emotional beats in a way that makes sense to me, and it’s easier to revise because the emotional pacing isn’t wonky. But with this little excursion into this new book, I let myself hop around to different scenes I was most inspired to write. By the time I actually get fully into writing a draft of this book, I’ll likely rewrite all I’ve done during the cruise, but I really have a feel for my main character, his inner world, and what trials await him in Hopevale.
THE TRAVEL LOG
As mentioned, I’ve been having a transcendent experience in Alaska for the end of this month. But really I’ve been on the go a lot this month.
I’ve saved this for the end of the newsletter, but my family and I are moving! Not particularly far from where we currently live, but it is a full on move. Both of my grandparents are in poor health and my father is an only child, so we’re moving closer to them. But also closer to my brother and his family.
So a lot of May was traveling back and forth to the town where my grandparents live, both to visit them and to look at houses. I wrote so much of my F1 outline and fixed commas in TRIPLE THREAT at one particular Panera. So June will be the big move and the big office creation. Our new house has a finished basement with a room I’ve already claimed as my new office. I’m so excited to really dedicate a space to my writing and working.
I had a twenty-hour travel day that turned me into a stressball, but we made it to Alaska unscathed! Then, we took a shuttle bus from Anchorage along a gorgeous highway to one of the port cities, Whittier, and we began our cruise! And all your wishes for good sea legs in the last newsletter worked! I was not seasick once! I wore anti-nausea patches the entire time just to be safe, but the rocking of the boat was soothing rather than distressing for me. I’m lucky, for sure!
Here are a few of the highlights!
Food tour in JUNEAU!
Alaskan King Crab from the famous Tracy’s Crab Shack and the food cart’s smoked salmon were such highlights! Our tour guide was a chef who truly loves Alaska, her history, and her rich food tradition. Fantastic, 10/10, absolutely recommend! Plus, it was the perfect way to see the streets of Juneau and plan our shopping after!
Sled dog camp in SKAGWAY!
If you’re a dog person, do NOT skip the musher’s camp! It’s up in the mountains about thirty-five minutes from the town of Skagway, which is cute and quaint in its own right. We got to PLAY WITH PUPPIES!!! I got to hold Cottage Cheese, the runt of the litter, and Muenster, the chunkiest boy ever.
Fun dinners with the whole crew!
I’ll plead the fifth on the quality of the included dinners, but the company was 10/10. It was the perfect time to debrief about our excursions and our writing and genuinely just laugh for an hour and a half together.
DnD with Lindsay!
Before our crew was shot down with an illness, we got to do the opening battle for Lindsay Puckett’s DnD campaign. This is her first DM campaign, and it revolves around the Crooked Moon Campaign, which STARTS on a train! She had a train whistle and everything! We’d set up some excellent backstory and I’m really hoping the campaign makes it off the ship and into the Discord!
Silent disco!
On the final night, they had a silent disco! If you’ve never heard of that, it’s where you listen through headphones to the DJ’s music and dance along with everyone else. But otherwise, it’s completely silent! So if you get overstimulated or don’t like the song, you can just pull your headphones down. I went with Lindsay, her husband Brian, and Wallis, and we danced the night away. (Well, until 10 pm when it ended.) But I got to live my 2000s nightclub fantasies by showing off all my dance moves to the classics, like Low, Hips Don’t Lie, Bye Bye Bye, Timber, and more! With the night ending with Mr. Brightside by The Killers!
The travel log will continue next month and into July because I’ve been recruited for dog sitting for my aunt and a family friend, plus I am moderating an event in Cincinnati! The summer isn’t an idle time for me at all!
Extra special photo dump because here are a few MORE dog photos from dog sledding! Plus, of course, Bear, Blue, and Bunny!
Love you all oodles and oodles 🫶
A transcendent newsletter, ma'am. Thank you for sharing your innermost anxieties but keeping silent on your thoughts on RC's food quality.